


She fixed her eyes on me

by uswnt_talex_krashlyn



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-21
Updated: 2016-07-21
Packaged: 2018-07-25 18:50:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7543924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uswnt_talex_krashlyn/pseuds/uswnt_talex_krashlyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Christen was steady, loving, understanding. But there was always something about Alex that made Tobin's head spin and her heart burn in the worst and best possible way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Love is different.    There's no burning

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies on grammatical errors. Native Spanish speaker so sometimes I have Run-ons or really short sentences.

It was one of Tobin's darkest secrets. 

And God did she hold onto it. She held onto it even when it burned her. She hated herself for holding onto it. On to her. For not just at least trying to let it go. 

But looking back Tobin regrets less having the secret than being someone else's. 

Once she tried. She met a new girl. One that didn't have to be a secret. A girl that could give herself to Tobin without breaking herself or someone else. 

Because if there's one thing Tobin learned, it's that being Alex Morgan's secret will burn you until you are nothing but a pile of ashes. 

Christen. This magical girl with a heart big enough to hold Tobin's weight. They first met at camp, after a particularly long amount of ignoring by Alex, Tobin decided to ask christen out. It's not that in that moment Tobin forgot what she felt for Alex.  
Looking back Tobin's not sure that what she had with Alex were even feelings. The kind you get to experience. Because with Alex everything was decided for her. And frankly Tobin was fucking exhausted. Exhausted from loving Alex with all of her being, only to sometimes be shown love, or at the very least mercy. 

So yes. Tobin tried to choose christen. But more than that she tried to choose herself. Alex grew more distant and Tobin moved to LA with Chris. 

Christen was good to Tobin. Maybe that's the part that hurts the most. Christen was willing to give all of herself to see the side of Tobin that Alex had slowly burned through. Tobin slowly started believing, that she could be worth time and effort. 

Looking back her biggest flaw would be not telling christen. Christen wasn't stupid, She knew someone had broken Tobin in the least visible way possible. But when christen looked into Tobin's eyes at night, the look of terror, of relying on someone else for air, slowly dissapeared over the months and her need to know Tobin's past dissapeared with it. 

Tobin slowly forgot Alex. What she had done to her. 

Sometimes Tobin would try and see Alex's perspective. Tobin heald onto the idea that, at one point, no matter how diluted it was, Alex did love her. And maybe servando was just a deeper love. Maybe Alex's stubborn attitude made it hard to accept change. And maybe Tobin had just become a constant for Alex. That's the only way Tobin can bear to think of it anyway. 

And as Alex slowly left her daily thoughts christen slipped in. Filling in the cracks with deep conversations and long walks on the beach where they didn't have to hide their hand holding. 

And her smile. God that smile. Tobin wanted to see those green eyes crinkle in laughter everyday. And soon the raspy tall Alex Morgan left Tobin's thoughts. 

This is perhaps, if Tobin were to go back, where she would thank christen for giving her strength. For giving her sanity. Camp came around and Tobin was more nervous than christen had ever seen her. Tobin played it off as wanting a starting spot on the roster or just excited to be back into the grind, but christen knew. Christen wasn't stupid. 

They get off the plain at Kansas City everything is okay. Christen holds her hand and she looks into the green eyes she has come to love and she believes. 

This is Tobin's biggest mistake. 

Half an hour later Tobin and christen find themselves standing with a few other national team players in the lobby.  
Tobin doesn't look up. Instead she looks at christen's hands and her tanned skin and kisses the back of her palm. 

Dawn starts reading the roommate assignments and as if God had willed Tobin to suffer this week she was roomed with Alex. 

Dread best describes Tobin's eyes. And of course christen isn't stupid. 

Chris squeezes Tobin's hand and grabs Tobin's chin and lifts her gaze. Tobin tries to hide the look on her face but her eyes are still larger than saucers. Christen looks her in the eye and places her left hand on Tobin's cheek and gently presses her lips on Tobin's. 

Tobin wonders if christen knows. They never talk about it. It's not particularly something Tobin enjoys remembering. But as christen slowly presses her pink lips into Tobin's all thoughts of Alex leave her and she looks back up into the green orbs. A small smile grows on Tobin's face and christen mimics it. 

They hold each others gaze for another minute. Just trying to will the other to understand their thoughts. But of course christen's phone rings. And she steps to the side of the lobby to take the call and Tobin has no choice as she is ripped away from the earbuds she was sharing with christen. 

She looks up and sees lauren. Sighing in relief Tobin makes her way over to her friends when she hits her foot on someone's suitcase. Tobin turns to her right to apologize and then she freezes. And worse yet, not a second later she starts to feel the burning. The burning that comes from the blue eyes or Alex Morgan. Tobin must have turned pale because Alex grew a small smirk on her face. But not the kind Tobin was expecting 

The smirk did not hold flirtation or mockery. Instead it held sorrow. Instead the smirk and Alex's eyes portrayed something that if Tobin didn't know better, she would call regret. 

Christen's not stupid.

She finished her phone call and started walking over tward Tobin when she saw the girl staring, face a new shade of pale. She looks at Alex's face and christen is not stupid. But christen's also the person Tobin fell for over break. So Chris walks over to Tobin and asks her if every thing was okay. Tobin shakes her head slightly and then looks into the green orbs and smiles a little. She smiles at the ground as Kind of a bye to Alex. And they walk away. Simple as that. 

What's to come is not simple. Not even in the most basic format what happens next cannot be described by meer words. 

Christen is not stupid. She kisses Tobin goodnight and holds her forehead against Tobin's a little longer. And whispers "promise me I'm yours and your mine". 

Tobin nods. Not because she can't think of words to say to christen. But because she knows that rooming with Alex will be a real battle. The hardest part against herself. 

So she pulls christen in for another kiss. The kind that shows what you mean without saying it. And Chris offers a little smile. Tobin returns it.


	2. Walking into war feels a whole lot like refuge.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The battle begins. Round one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for he great response so far!!!! Trying to keep this chapter in line with what everyone wants (which, yes, is impossible). Just hang in there. Also this picks up immediately where we left off!!

 

Tobin begins the walk back to her room from christen's. It isn't a long one. It isn't one that would outwardly cause Tobin or anyone watching pain, but the burning was strong. 

And stronger it grew with each step to her room.  _Her and Alex's room._

Tobin is just standing there. Outside her hotel door, key in hand, praying to God that Alex isn't inside. But where else would she be! Curfew was in 10 minutes and Tobin almost contemplated just wandering the halls until dawn catches her. 

But she doesn't. Deep down, Tobin wants the burning to stop. She was ready. Christen was behind her, mentally anyway. And even though christen was too polite or too in love with Tobin to say that Alex was the burn that destroyed Tobin, it was true, and christen isn't stupid. 

So Tobin holds up her room key and delicately slides it in the lock. She only has one suitcase and she left her other SnapBack in christen's room so the one on her head is the only she has. 

She opens the door, suitcase in tow and doesn't look up. But she doesn't need to. 

Alex is here. She can smell it in the sweet shampoo Tobin would smell after long showers together. But it's not just the smell. Tobin knows Alex is in the room.  

Sometimes Tobin would forget about the burning. It was weird she thought, the first time she knew she was in love with christen. There was no burning. And Tobin thought, for a very long time, that burning was the same thing as love. 

Christen showed her it wasn't. 

But now Tobin struggles more than ever in this exact moment to understand the burning. 

So she looks up from her suitcase behind her long enough to close the door and it's as if the burning had swallowed her whole and blue was now her favorite color. 

Alex. Fucking Alex. 

Shes sitting there, on the bed closest to the door, looking up at Tobin. 

And now she knows. She knows the burning and now she knows. 

This is why it was always been Alex. Because when Alex didn't choose you the burning was the devil slowly destroying you from the inside out. 

But when Alex did choose you. 

Tobin shook her head and effectively lost the eye contact. 

Then she sat on her bed, closer to the window. She took a shower and got dressed for bed. No words had to be exchanged. No words could. 

Then just when Tobin thought she would be okay. When she thought she could finally fall asleep a little after 11 the burning stopped and was replaced. 

Tobins not sure what the new feeling was. It wasn't guilt.  God she hoped it wasn't guilt. Because if there's one thing christen had taught her it was that it wasn't Tobin's fault. And Tobin had believed her. 

So when Alex started to cry at exactly 11:28 the first night of camp, tobin stared at her clock. 

11:39 is when Tobin realized that the burning had been replaced by something much more powerful. Something that could destroy everything she had fought for. 

Regret

See, this was the part she forgot. The part she HAD to forget to move on. Alex had feelings. 

And those feeling were powerful. Especially to Tobin. Because God as much as she loved christen she was laying on her bed at 11:53 and is filled with regret for leaving Alex. 

11:57 is her greatest weakness 

Tobin can hear the sobs. And they're not the kind of mourning. They're the kind you cry when your desperate, completely and utterly destroyed because someone isn't with you. 

So yes Tobin stops staring at her clock at 11:57 and she faces the cieling. The only light in the room cooling from the window closest to Tobin's bed. 

Tobin gently whispers "Lex..."

Another loud sob racks through the small room 

Tobin sits up. And wipes her face trying to wake herself more 

"Alex please talk to me"

And this time the sniffling slowly stops. Alex seems to be trying to gather herself so Tobin does the same. 

The burning is completely gone and she's not sure why

Maybe it's the way Alex slowly sits up in her bed and you do the same. Or the way the moon light just catches her cheek and you see the tears. 

But you stand up and sit next to her. 

Still no burning so you feel okay. 

You put one hand on her cheek. You wipe away a few tears. But you also keep your distance. No touching exept for what you have allowed.  
She reaches her hands out and wraps two arms around your neck. There's something very foreign about this and it makes your skin crawl. 

However a part of you thinks she's not crying over you. So you let her side hug you while sitting on her bed.  
And when she goes to straddle you with one bare leg beside each of your own you freeze a little. 

Your both wearing old soccer shorts. Her skin is touching you and you freeze. 

Your waiting for the burning to return. But it doesn't. 

It's this Alex, you realize, that you were in love with. The vulnerable Alex that let you love her with all of you. The one that didnt restrict how deeply or how long you held her. But that was before servando. 

This thought delvs into your thoughts as she is sitting on your lap as you slowely rub her back. So you put your hands on her shoulders and slowely retract her from you. Then you see it again, through a glimpse of moon light, the regret that lies on Alex's face as well. 

"Alex I have to go to bed"

What happens next is not okay. It will forever be etched into your soul until the day you die. 

That rasp you haven't heard in months replies to you in the most broken you've ever heard it. 

"It's okay Tobin."

At first your taken back. Why would she try and tell me it's okay. As if I've done something wrong. 

But you understand fast. Your a quick learner. 

Alex puts her right hand on you ribcage.

The same hand slowely presses into you and slowly makes its way to the bottom of your shirt. 

Fuck. Fuck. Ok Heath keep it together. You close your eyes and try to gain control of your own body. 

You grab Alex's thighs and pick her up. At first she seems surprised. Even hopeful. But then you stand and turn around and place her on her bed.

You lean down and whisper in her ear

"It's okay Alex" 

You turn around and lay back down in your bed. 

Alex does the same and before long you start to drift into sleep. 12:32

You wake up early the next morning. Alex is fast asleep. Tear streamed pillow and cheeks and there it is again. That pang of regret for causing her this pain. You begin to think what would have happened if you would've stayed. Been more loyal to her. Her life wasn't easy. Clearly it still isn't. 

Tobin changes into running clothes and meets christen in the lobby. You don't talk much. There's a casual good morning chat and you decide to run until you reach a coffee shop. 

Christen stares at you. Coffee in hand and curiosity etched in her eyes, in the way her eye brows twitch together ever so often when you bring up anything other than Alex.  
So she does it. She asks you how Alex was last night and for the first time in your relationship you lie to christen.

You tell her everything was fine. Admittantly a bit awkward. But you tell Chris nothing happens

Christen's not stupid. 

For the first time in your relationship christen knows your lying. She stands up and walks out without a word. 

You should run after her Tobin thinks to herself. She deserves a fight. She's worth it. 

So Tobin runs after christen. And yes she does catch up. And christen looks at her through Teared up eyes and asks you to never lie to her again. 

"I promise Chris... Never again okay I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you" 

Christen believes you. You breath in a breathe you didn't know you were holding. 

So you tell her. About the crying. About the sitting and hugging. About the straddling. About the hand on your side. She flinches at that last part. 

And when you tell her the part about the burning, And how it disappeared, she grows this look of dread on her face. 

Not the kind of dread you face when losing someone you love. But the kind you show when someone you love is losing themselves. 

Tobin sees it. She knows. But she holds christen's hand tighter anyway. Looks into the green orbs and forgets what it's like to feel sorrow for Alex Morgan. 

Then christen kisses her. And it tastes like their last so Tobin kisses christen. But this  
Time she holds on longer. Feels christen's lips moving in rhythm to hers. And this time Tobin has words. 

"I promise I am yours. Okay?"

And christen believes her. But something is different. Its not a promise. It's a plee. Like she's begging christen to save her from Alex. 

"Tobin... It's okay to love Alex"

At that Tobin backs up from christen. Tears threatening to spill from the hazel eyes. She's shaking her head no and walking backwards. 

She feels betrayed. She feels lost. 

Why does no one want her?

Christen sees past her tears and steps closer and holds Tobin's hips. 

"Hey look at me.. Tobin. I love you. I am yours until you don't want me anymore"

Tobin hangs on to christen. For dear life. God she holds on and she sobs silently into christen's shoulder outside of a small coffee shop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. Shit. If this ending confused u as to where this leaves us... Well I'm with u. God idk how I will finish this. I'm trying okay though guys. So please be nice. Outside the box ending suggestions are much appreciated!!! Finally, Didn't really mean to make Alex seem a little sex crazed it just kinda went there. Sorry :):););)


	3. Every touch a redefining phrase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Tobin's first I love you and a little bit of drama!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a bit of a flashback To start it out. Sorry if it's confusing or anything

If christen repaired Tobin than Kelley was the one who cooled the burn.

Kelley was Tobin's best friend. Before Alex, before christen. Kelley had always knows what Tobin wanted. But she never really saw Tobin need anything.  
That is until Alex came.

Alex was young when she fist came to camp. Tobin fell for Alex the minute she stepped foot on the pitch that first day. And while Tobin was oh so subtle about her little crush, Kelley knew.

Kelley was friends with Alex on the u20 team. She knew about servando. But there was always a lack of commitment, a lack of interest on Alex's part tward him.

So Kelley let Tobin flirt and wiggle her way into Alex's thoughts. It was never concerning. Until Alex started dictating what Tobin would do all day.

She didn't do it on purpose Kelley would say to herself. Alex actually did care about Tobin. She did.

Kelley would notice the little ways Alex and Tobin kept their flirtation going. A sly hand on Tobin's thigh just a little too high to be friendly. Or when Tobin would find a reason to gently tuck a stray hair behind Alex's ear. Alex would come in Kelleys room past curfew and tell her all about Tobin and how she felt like home.

Tobin didn't have to say much. Anyone within their proximity could see that she was smitten by Alex.  
They fell into a domestic routine. One that gave them the guise of a couple to the media.

Servando caught on. Started asking questions. Now when Alex would come to Kelleys room she would cry. A lot.

There was less talking and more holding and one night Tobin walked in on Alex sobbing to Kelley.

That was their first fight.

Tobin found out about servando. Kelley eventually the one to tell Tobin when Alex couldn't get any words out.

But Tobin stayed. She sat on Lauren's bed in Kelleys room and just stared at Alex. Eventually Kelley left. Then it was just them. And when Alex sat up and walked over to Tobin she sat next to her.

Tobin wasnt crying. She wouldn't.  
"Do you... love him?"  
Tobin barely got the words out before tears threatened her calm attitude and she turned away from Alex. Alex sat there. For a while. Tobin started to get up but Alex stood too and blocked her exit.

Alex looked at her with this smirk. The kind that's filled with sorrow and regret and a little bit of hopelessness. "I love you. " Alex replied.

And that was enough for Tobin.

I take it back. This was by far her biggest mistake.

*present*

Back at the hotel Tobin is at a loss for words. She's trying to pray. Alex is in the shower and she's trying to ask God to tell her what to do. She knows that's not how this works.  
She does it anyway.  
She hears the shower stop and Tobin makes a quick decision. She runs out of the room before Alex can take her breathe away.

She runs to the only one who has always been there. Kelley. Her air. She's not sure when she started crying again. But as she runs down the hall she can feel the tears landing on her shirt. She knocks on Kelleys door. Kelley opens it half looking at her phone but one look at Tobin and she pulls her by the wrist into the room and closes the door.

"Kel..... I can't. I can't breath!"

"Hey. Tobin look at me. Where is christen? What happend?"

Tobin lifts her head to meet Kelleys eyes and she tells her everything. All of it. The stolen glances. The crying. The 'it's okay to love Alex'.

Kelley sits there for a moment thinking.

She was always good at that, Tobin thinks as she wiped the tears from her cheeks. Kelley clears her throat and sits Tobin down on the bed next to her. She puts her hands on Tobin's shoulders and says possibly the most simple sentence Tobin has ever heard.

"What do you want Tobin?"

"Kel.. I. I'm in love with christen."

"I know"

"Then how come Alex gets to just walk back into my life and ruin that! She's always in charge of me. Of my life. And I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I can't be her secret, or anyone else's"

Kelley moves her hands down to her sides with a knowing sad smile appearing on her freckled face.

"Is there a but Tobin?"

"... I love christen"

"I know that. That's not what I asked"

Tobin stared down at her lap for a minute.

"It's Alex kel. What if its my fault she cries at night? What if things could be different now?"

Kelley is at a total loss for words. She's kind of mad at Alex if she's being totally honest. So all she does is hold Tobin's cheek in her hand and replies,  
"I know Toby, I know"

Dinner that night is awkward. They survived with minimal conversation during training. But then christen sits on Tobin's left and Kelley to her right, Alex comes down and sits to the right of Kelley.

Christen's not stupid.

So she holds Tobin's hand. Turns Tobin's head tward her and kisses her lips gently.

For the first time that night Tobin can breath. And when she opens her eyes christen's crinkling smiling green ones are staring back at her.

So she takes a deep breath and places a hand on christen's hand in her lap. They eat like that. One handed. And no one seems to care. Alex has been relatively quite. Despite the occasional laugh at something syd said.

Halfway through dinner syd asks Alex how servando is and Tobin nearly spits out her food.

Tobin won't stay to hear the answer because she quickly excused herself from dinner saying she's not feeling well.

Christen, of course, gets up to follow her.

But not before sending Alex a seriose glare that could've compared to The burning Alex caused Tobin.

Alex pretends not to show her concern for Tobin as she sputters out a 'he's fine' to syd. Who had practically already forgotten what she had asked.

Christen finds Tobin sitting up against the wall just around the corner of the cafeteria.

"Promise I'm yours" Tobin says under labored breath to christen

Christen pulls Tobin up off the ground and gently pins her agains the wall.

"Tobin Powell Heath you are mine... Okay? " and not a second later christen connects their lips. It's soft at fist. Then a little more aggressive as christen finds her self needing to be in control.

The kiss becomes sloppy. Teeth tugging on soft pink lips and nails gently scratching tan skin.

"Please Chris.." Tobin is cut off by the swollen lips once more.

  
They step into the elevator. Thoughts of dinner completely leaving them. Tobin pushed christen into the wall of the elevator and moves so that her one leg is Inbetween christen's. They kiss again. This time with more feelings. More passion. Tobin's hands slip under christen's white t. As the elevator clicks they slowely pull apart. Tobin holds christen's hand and they walk to christen's room.

They lay on christen's bed and kiss. They don't take it farther. Syd will be back in the room to sleep soon anyway.

Christen pulls back after they both need to catch their breath one time. She looks at Tobin and Tobin looks back at her.

"Do you love her?"

Tobin flashes back to a time where she asked Alex if she loved servando.

" I'm not sure. I'm so sorry christen."

"Tobin look at me please."

" Chris I swear we didn't do any.."

Christen pulls her into a searing kiss. The kind they had shared the night before.

"Chris I love you. I don't want to love anyone else."  
  
Christen doesn't say anything. She just nods and lies down with Tobin beside her. They look into each other's eyes for a what feels like seconds before christen pulls gently at Tobin's shirt and gently brushes their lips together.

"I love you too"

Then Tobin gently pushed christen onto her back and puts one leg on the other side of her hips. She lowers her body down and kisses christen passionately.

Then her jawline.

Then her neck

Then christen's shirt is slowely being lifted up and thrown on the ground.

Tobin starts to kiss down her chest. Down her Abs

Christen has her eyes closed tight. Slight gasps and breathing the only thing filling the room.

Then Tobin works her way back up to christen's neck and jaw and finally her lips.

"You're so beautiful, you know that right"

Christen captures Tobin's lips in hers again.

Then the door swings wide open and syd steps in. Laughing, looking at her phone and talking to someone walking behind her.

But the person behind her is certainly not looking at her phone. And as Tobin turns with wide eyes to look at who entered the room she is met with the ocean blue eyes of Alex Morgan.

There it is again. That guilt. Tobin quickly pushes it back in her mind as syd looks up from her phone and is met with a scared looking Tobin and a sports brah wearing christen.

Syd starts laughing and Tobin reaches down and grabs christen's shirt for her

Scrambling for an apology to muster up.

"H-hey syd sorry didn't know you guys were coming back so early"

Syd laughs it off and flops down on her bed.

Alex sits on Syds bed. Never breaking eye contact with Tobin. Despite Tobin staring anywhere but Alex. Christen notices though and grabs Tobin's face and kisses her deeply. Entering her immediately, her tongue searching. Pulling apart just a few seconds later Tobin's eyes are wide and Alex is pretending to look at whatever syd is showing her.

Christen has a smirk on her face and Tobin isn't sure how she feels. If she didn't know better she would say she felt guilty for doing this in front of Alex. But christen's smug look just made her smile back at christen.

Tobin announces that she will be heading back to her room and gently kisses christen goodbye. Just as she's about to walk out a very daring looking Alex rasps out

"I'll walk with you"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kinda bad at dialogue so stick with me. Thoughts? I know the endings a little evil. Now is definately where I have to either pick talex or preath. So Lmk!! And thanks for the support!!!;)


	4. Choosing her. Choosing love.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex walks with Tobin back to their room. Other really emotional stuff ensues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. Ok I know this was supposed to be a one shot so.. I mean I'm gonna try and wrap things up? We'll see how this goes

"I'll walk with you"

Tobin froze. Was that Alex? Yes you idiot no one else sounds like that. Okay. We are okay. Just walk. Move your fucking feet Tobin!

Tobin walks out into the hallway and Alex followed after grabbing her phone. The door closes behind them and something changes in Alex's eyes 

The blue turns a little darker and more serious. 

"Tobin. U-um can we talk. I mean if you want..."

Your not sure why but it's a little cute. But you quickly shake that thought from your head.

"Alex. Look if this is about last night..."

"it's not just about last night. It's about these last months.. Tobin I..... I can't breath without you. I tried. I'm fucking trying to forget you. But..."

"stop. Just stop Alex. Do you know what I've had to do to get over you? And you think you can just run back to me when I'm finally happy?! Christen loves me. She fucking loves me and she never makes me a secret. "

Tears are streaming down both of their faces now. Tobin turns away.

She was never good at that. Looking at Alex when she cried.

They've stopped walking and Alex is starting to break. Tobin can see it in the way her shoulders cave in and her jaw clenches.

She's not sure why she does it. After all Alex had done to her. Choosing servando over her time and time again.

But she grabs Alex and pulls her into a tight hug. In the middle of the hallway.  
Alex stops struggling to keep her breathing calm and Tobin asks if she's ready to walk again. Alex nods and they slowely walk down the hallway. 

They reach the room and both realize they had forgotten their room keys in christen and Syds room.

Shit. Fucking shit. Tobin knows what this will mean. Walking back in there with red eyes and having been in the hallway for 5 minutes without returning for the keys.

"Alex stay here... Please. I'll grab your key"

Alex nods and Tobin quickly walks down the hall and knocks on christen's door.

It's swung open by none other than those green eyes that have become her home.  
Concern fills the green orbs and Tobin asks for her room key. 

Christen just stands there. Searching the hazel reddened eyes for any sign of what was happening. But Tobin just stared at the ground and Tobin grabbed her key and gave it to her. Toning finally meets christen's gaze and there's a brief moment she feels okay. They exchange quick goodnights and then christen lets the door shut.

Making her way over to Alex sitting against the wall out side their room Tobin unlocks the door and asks Alex if she's coming in.

No response.

Tobin internally groaned.

Alex was crying again. And she just held her arms out for Tobin to take her.

It was a simple act but it was one of solidity. One of choosing Tobin. And just like that a small burn started in Tobin's chest. Very small. Barely noticeable.

So Tobin didn't notice. And she leaned down and Alex wrapped her arms around Tobin's neck and she carried her into the room.

She closed the door and set Alex down on the bed.

"Alex I'm gonna go get ready for bed okay?"

She nodded her head.

Tobin was in the shower for 28 minutes. In this time she thought about christen. Then Alex. In that order. Then she spend the remaining 10 considering what love really felt like.

In these 28 minutes Alex had slipped on a random t shirt and some shorts for bed. She was reading a book when Tobin came out of the bathroom. She had a towell wrapped around her torso. Upper chest visible and long tanned toned legs still shiny from being wet.

Alex gulped and looked back down at her book. But when she looked up Tobin was only wearing sweatpants and a black sports bra.

"Jesus fucking Christ Tobin"

"Alex what..."

Alex stood up and walked tward Tobin. Tobin just stood there. Not moving. So Alex kept walking.

Alex was inches away from Tobin and Tobin just stood there. Her body glued in its position.

"You know you ruined everything for me"

Now Tobin was confused. And a little ticked off. But Alex was doing this thing where she bites the inside of her mouth which she only does when she's trying to focus.

So when Tobin said nothing Alex took that as an invitation to continue.

" I wasn't supposed to fell in love with you. You were just some hot tan girl and my crush was supposed to go away. But then.... Y-you started - You did this thing where you never ran. You wouldn't leave even when I wanted you to. Even when I needed you to"

She pauses gulping. Clearly still contemplating things in her head. She put one hand on your side. Your bare skin. Just above your sweatpants.

"But God did I fall in love with you"

" he's a lot like you ya know.... Servando"

God his name stung stung your heart as if someone had added an electric shock on the burn.

" but he never stays. When I need him there. He's gone. You were always good to me Tobin. You were always mine. And I am so sorry that I made you mine. Because I could never keep you"

Tobin was speachless. The ocean blues turned into grey clouds as emotion swirled in Alex's eyes. You didn't want her to hurt anymore. You wanted her to know that it was okay.

This is it you thought. My last kiss with Alex Morgan.

Dear god were you wrong.

But being a little too naïve you didn't feel that slow burn. So you take a step forward. And now your hips are pressed against hers. And her breathing hitched as you slowly placed both hands on her hips. You look into her eyes and in that moment you absorb the regret. The pain. The confusion. And you lean your head foreward and brush your lips against hers.

You decide this is the best part of forgetting. Because if all this time you had remembered Alex's lips like this you wouldn't have survived. They're soft. But God not like there were in you dreams. They're warm and inviting and you get lost in them just like you used too.

Slowely she loosens and puts her other hand on your exposed skin. Goosebumps erupt but it's like your seeing clearly for the first time in months. But with the clarity came burn

You pull back first. You admit it was probably the hardest thing you've ever done. Harder than getting over her.

And now the burning is back but it's not painful. It's not like anything you remember. It's filled with something familiar, like a wound. Exept this time it's a scab your ripping off. But desire is something your sure must be in there too because when you catch the blue eyes Raking over your breasts and abs your own eyes turn dark.

"Tobin. Please.."

Alex pleads as you start to slowely lift her shirt over her head.  
You kiss her once more. 

"Alex I missed you so much..."

You kiss down her neck slowely pausing over her throat. You take your time here. Her breathing increases and when you kiss that spot right Inbetween her collarbone and her jaw. She sharply inhales which only turns you on more.

"Tobin..." She pulls you back up to her face

"I never stopped loving you"

 

That night is one you decide was far overdue. You remember all the little things that make Alex crumble underneath you. And as much as you hate to admit it no one knows your body like she does.

Reality hits you in the morning. Hard.

Specifically 10 minutes before breakfast.

When you look over and grab the first phone you see and read the time you can't help but notice a few text-messages.

They're from servando. Asking Alex why she didn't call him last night. And just like that, whatever the mystery feeling from the burning was is replaced by the harsh unforgiving guilt and that destroyed Tobin

She knew this feeling though. Knew it so well she knew she didnt want to feel it again.

She got up and started to put on her training cloths for the day. Alex stirred. Missing Tobin's warmth.

She opened her eyes and looked at the empty spot next to her and immediately started to panick. Tobin watched. Alex's eyes grew watery and her hands started to shake.

"lex... Hey. Hey I'm here. "

She cups Alex's face. She can't cause her anymore pain. Guilt drowns Tobin again for almost leaving. And as if on que Alex's phone goes off again and Tobin's eyes fly tward it and see servandos name again. Then she slowely backs up.

Alex, realizing what's happening opens her eyes wide.

"Hey. Tobin. Wait please. I'm here. I'm here with you right now"

Tobin continues walking backwards. Eyes filling with un shed tears she puts her shirt and socks on and before closing the door she slowly looks Alex in the eye

"It's not enough"

And with that she closes the door and walks down to breakfast.

She sits with christen on her left, Kelley on her right, and a very awkwardly empty Seat to the right of Kelley that was unspokenly Alex's.

Everyone greats her. Syd asks Tobin where Alex is. Kelley shoots syd a glare that she doesn't seem to understand. And christen just sits there and tilts her head slightly and knits her eyebrows together ever so slightly.

"She should be on her way down. Probably on the phone with serv"

God she hates it. As if her and servando could even be considered friend of a friends. The knickname feels dirty on her lips. And as if on que again a very disgruntled looking Alex appears (practically running) down to breakfast.

No one says anything when she sits down. Christen's expresion as well as her stare on Tobin hadn't changed.

You shift uncomfortable. Fist you make eye contact with Kelley who seems to understand your situation slightly and has a small smirk on her face. Then you look at Alex and she opens her mouth but takes a quick glance at christen and shuts it.

Finally you return your eyes to Christen's.  
Her eyes soften once nearing yours but quickly grow the hardest you have ever seen them. Pain flashes in her eyes. 

Fuck. What did I do. I'm such an idiot. But how does she know..

Her eyes detach from yours for only a second. And if you could go back and steel that second back you would. Because she takes one glance at you neck and her walls go up.

Your hand flies up to your neck feeling for something. Anything. But there's nothing. And this is the worst part. Because now as you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom you know what you will find there.

God damn it Alex.

A small red mark on your neck just under your jawline. An unmistakeable hickey.

When you come back out christen won't meet your gaze. You sit next to her and there's an eerie look of understanding etched on her features.

You move your right hand to the left side of her jaw and turn her head tward you.

And you totally deserve this part.

She looks at you in the eyes. This woman who has only been life saving to you and you see betrayal etched in her forehead. You see understanding in her eyes. And most painfully you see the regret etched in her jawline.

You hope your eyes portray your sorrow. You hope she can see the regret in your jawline. The complete and utter sadness that only comes from loosing yourself hopefully shown in your forehead.

You can feel the tears pooling in the bottom of your eye lids. Your mouth open but no words come out. Finally your able to say what you've truly thought about christen since the fist day you met her. It's barely a whisper but you know she heard you

"I don't deserve you"

Her face softens. And she grabs your hand. The regret, and betrayal still present but there's something there that you couldn't pinpoint earlier.

Looking back you know it's love.

She stands. Still holding your hand ushering you to come with her. You stand as well.

You leave the cafeteria. She walks brusquely and even smiles at lauren as we leave.

You're not sure where your going. So when she stops abruptly you go about a step Infront of her before your arm pulls you back to her.

"Tobin..."

Your eyes stair at the ground because your not sure you can deal with her green eyes having regret because of you.

"Hey. Tobs. Look at me..."

She lifts your chin and tears start to flow.  
This was christen you think. You can cry in front of christen. She won't leave. 

"C-Chris... I-I'm. Oh my god..."

Sobs rack through you much harder than the burn ever did.

"Tobin Powell Heath. Stop. It's okay. I told you it was okay. Breath baby"

Confusion takes over your features.

"Chris please. I didn't mean it. I don't really love her. This. This is love. There's no pain. Chris... Did I.... Did I break us...."

Christen pauses. Actually considering her answer.

"Tobin... Are you still mine?"

"Christen im so sorry. I. I've never stopped being yours. God I hope you'll still be mine"

And this thought. Of christen not being Tobin's breaks her. And this, Tobin thinks, is what it truely feels like to break.

"Tobin. Look at me. Try to breath. "

Tobin looks up.

"I'm yours okay. I'm yours but I can only be yours if your mine... Okay? I can't share you with Alex. I need you to mine too"

Tobin slowely shakes her head in affermative.

"Chris I don't deserve you"

"To me, you deserve everything"

Tobin thought she knew what love was before. She thought it was burning. She thought it was loyalty. She thought it was forgiveness.

But standing here. Completely unguarded Infront of christen and still being loved to no end tobin decided love is staying. Staying when loyalty is broken. Staying when the burn is strong. Staying when there's so much to forgive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. I tried to please the majority and also give some talex. I'm sorry. This writing thing is not for me lol. I can't choose who gets to be happy :(  
> But thanks for reading. If you guys have any requests Lmk!!! I love angst. Luv u guys!!;)

**Author's Note:**

> So... Wow I can't believe I wrote this. Was supposed to be a one shot but obviously needs finishing!! what do you think? Also this is definately up for voting on preath vs talex!!


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